


an odd exchange of power

by asexuelf



Category: Sally Face (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Sal Fisher, Communication, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hair Kink, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, Long Hair, M/M, Not Cheating, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relationship Issues, Sal Fisher Has Low Self-Esteem, Sal Fisher and Larry Johnson Are Bros, Sal Fisher is a Disaster Bi, Trauma, Travis Joins The Sally Face Gang, Travis Phelps Has Long Hair, so many tags for such a short fic, sometimes its about the journey not the destination ajdnsjkds, this fic took a wild direction, travis is living his best life and i support him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22141927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asexuelf/pseuds/asexuelf
Summary: Travis is growing out his hair and driving Sal wild in the process.
Relationships: Larry Johnson & Travis Phelps, Neil & Travis Phelps, Sal Fisher/Travis Phelps
Comments: 28
Kudos: 113





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Babs562](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babs562/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part of a request for @Babs562 ! the request was sal being hypergay about travis' long hair. this is part 1 of HOPEFULLY 3. i have part 3 finished but realized the middle would take a bit longer (and so would my other projects! ;__;), so here's the first segment. the segments will be different lengths of travis' hair! >:3c
> 
> the REAL title is "pass or fail: survival test", because my sister wants me to name my fics after naruto episode titles, but i thought that would give the wrong impression akdjskjsd
> 
> i hope you enjoy !!!!

Something that Sal secretly appreciates about his relationship with Travis is how easily he can bend the other man to his will. He'll never admit it, but being able to influence Travis with just the slightest hint of puppy eyes (even with his mask off!) makes him feel… powerful. Not just that, but _loved._

Even now, surrounded as he is with loved ones, living in a house with three of his closest friends _and_ his boyfriend, he has a hard time accepting that someone is here with him and wants to stay there. But when Travis leaps up to do something Sal quietly suggests he might like done, whether that be changing the channel on the TV or going on a midnight snack run… Well, it makes it a little easier to think this is all real. 

After all, Travis isn't exactly the type to do what other people say. He's almost shockingly thoughtful and more empathetic than he'd ever admit but he's also a stubborn ass when he wants to be. When it comes to Sal, he almost never wants to be.

And that kind of power makes Sal feel beautiful in a way he never thought he would. It's a little intoxicating, if he's honest.

Now that the shoe is on the other foot, though, Sal almost feels guilty for holding this power over Travis so often. He can _feel_ his heart in his chest. If asked, he could probably sculpt an accurate shape of it, it's beating so hard against the inside of his ribs. If Travis asked, he'd do it regardless of ability.

Watching someone put their hair up has never made Sal feel this way. Watching someone tangle their fingers into a hair tie and slip it over a messy, unpracticed updo has never made his heart leap like this. Watching a lock of golden hair slip away and tickle lightly down the sharp line of someone's jaw has never made his skin feel suddenly too small.

"Um, Travis?"

Travis looks up at him, shorter for a moment while Sal stands beside his seat at the kitchen table, and Sal has to clench his jaw to keep from making a noise at the sight. His boyfriend's eyes are sleepy and warm and his tiny updo is leaning dangerously to one side. Little hairs slowly slip out of it, likely pulled taut until falling to freedom. It doesn't look comfortable. Sal wants to touch it. 

"Yes, Sally Face?"

"You- You missed a spot. I mean, a piece of hair." He points, hoping his hand doesn't noticeably tremble.

"Oh," He follows Sal's gesturing and grabs the piece, trying and failing to pull it back with the rest. "Thanks, angel."

"No problem, morning star."

Travis' hair is only about an inch and a half longer than ear length, but it's getting longer quickly. Unlike Sal's, his hair grows so fast that he could probably measure it at the end of every week and find it longer by half an inch. 

Sal is finding himself obsessed with the subtle curls that curve up at the end. He thought it was bad when those curls played around Travis' ears, but now Sal's completely hypnotized by the sight of golden curl against the curvature of his neck.

Travis tries and fails again to pull up his hair. This time, he aims too high, and leaves a curtain of hair beneath it that isn't long enough to reach the tie.

Sal is so distracted by it that he moves on autopilot, grabbing the mug on the table and drinking some of his boyfriend's coffee. "Euwgh- _Bleghkk!"_

"Oh, babe," Travis fusses. As he stands, his hair tie slides out completely, leaving Sal's jaw momentarily dropping with it as it free falls to the floor. "Don't drink that. Here, I'll make you a morning tea."

"No, it's fine, I'll make it-"

"Oh, don't you dare! Sal, sit down and stay down." Without thinking, Sal obeys. Travis' hair sways with him as he walks to the cabinets, drawing Sal's eyes like a hypnotist's pendulum. "I'm making you a floral tea since it's morning."

Sal doesn't really understand Travis' line of logic, but he finds himself wholly unable to argue. If the Adonis in his kitchen says that floral teas are made for morning, then he must be right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!! 💖 expect part 2 soon enough


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> akdjsk finally, part 2!! part 3 just needs some mild revisions, so expect it either later today or tomorrow, assuming i don't get distracted
> 
> hope you enjoy!!

Sal has been waiting for this game to come out for ages now, but he can't focus for the life of him.

The pixelated lady on the screen jumps on platforms and slashes at enemies with her sword, but Sal has no idea why. He's pretty sure there's a story, if Travis' interested hums are anything to go by, but Sal hasn't caught a single second of it. He's too busy trying not to spontaneously combust.

As per their favorite and most frequent videogaming position, Travis is leaned back against Sal while Sal sits on the floor, his legs spread for his boyfriend to sit between them. Travis is taller than him (by a lot), so this makes it easier for them both to be at the same eye-level while still being comfortable.

Sal is not comfortable. Or, more honestly, he's _very_ comfortable, which is exactly the problem.

Travis' hair is a sweet, shoulder-length mess, always thick and fluffy and curling away from Travis' head like a bright and shining halo. It's also whisper-soft against Sal's throat, even gentler than Travis' fingertips as it caresses his ear, his collarbone. When Travis shifts to snuggle his neck, a lock of his hair somehow slides down Sal's shirt, tickling down his chest.

Sal swallows and tries very, very hard to focus on the game.

Travis sighs contentedly. "Wait, so do I have to find the wizard?"

"Um," Sal blanks. "Maybe?"

"It didn't say so, but the way they worded it… I feel like I have to find the wizard. Ugh. How do I open…?"

Despite his annoyed tone, Sal can tell Travis is happy. He sways one of his legs side to side, curls the toes of his other into the ugly shag carpet rug Sal bought that he always pretends to hate, and smiles.

Sal looks down at the beautiful, smiling creature laying against him and thinks, _I don't deserve you._

"I'm kind of hungry," Travis says to the screen. He twiddles his thumbs against the controller cutely from where they peek out of the sleeves of his oversized shirt. "Wanna order take-out?"

Though he isn't particularly hungry, Sal immediately begins to stand and make way to their bedroom door, leaving Travis blinking in surprise as he sits up on his own. "Yeah, I can go get something."

"What? No way! We can order a pizza, get it delivered."

"You hate pizza."

"It's not my favorite, but I don't _hate_ it." Travis looks at him in bewilderment, his mouth curled up in a familiar sneer. "Do I have cooties or something?"

"What? No," Sal shakes his head and laughs. 

Travis looks right at him, as unflinching as ever, but, bizarrely, Sal finds himself wanting to put his prosthetic back on. This man's gaze is intense as ever… It's like he can see parts of Sal no one else can, made all the more invasive by the absence of his mask.

Sal shifts nervously. "I just wanna get you food. I'm hungry, too." He's still full from lunch with Larry and their parents, but Travis doesn't need to know that. "Might be good to get some air anyways."

"Okay," Travis says. "I guess we have been in here for a while." His face smooths out, but a crease remains between his brows. 

"You want your usual from Pavani's?"

"Um, yeah, actually." Sal watches, transfixed, as Travis ducks his head, using slender fingers to tuck his long hair behind his ear. "I've been craving it lately."

"Me too."

"Cool," Travis jumps up, glaring again when Sal tries to usher him back down. "What? I'm getting my coat so I can come with you!"

"Babe, really, you don't need to-"

"Well, I'm not just going to _sit here_ while you go out!"

Sal looks desperately at the TV, where Travis has mistakenly brought up the map instead of the pause menu. "Of course not, you'd play Scalani's Journey. You're having a good time with it, right?"

Travis shoots him another bewildered look. He stands up and stares in what looks like absolute shock. The back of his neck prickling, Sal has to fight the urge to glance behind him.

"...Trav?"

"Sal, I'm not playing your game without you." 

As Travis' head shakes, his beautiful hair shakes with him, catching the blue light of the television in the dimly lit room. The light casts the yellow of his hair into something paler, bright against the dark contrast of his skin as it curls against his neck, against the top of his exposed shoulder, against the soft swell of his cheek. Sal's knees shake. 

"You've been excited for this game for, like, _ever_. Is it- Are we having problems I don't know about?"

"No! No, baby, we're okay." Sal crosses the room again quickly, wrapping his arms around Travis' waist. Blessedly, Travis is tall enough that he can't feel the soft strands on his ears or smell the faint hint of strawberry and pomegranate… 

"Are you sure?" His voice sounds so small, it makes Sal's chest ache.

"Of course, morning star." He pulls back enough to grab one of Travis's hands, lifting it for a kiss. "If there was any kind of problem, I'd talk to you. Promise."

"Okay…" He sounds unconvinced. "Are you just not feeling gamey today? I mean, you even let me play it. Usually, you want to play your new games first and then you give me the controller when you get frustrated with a puzzle or something."

Sal blushes, sweat beading again on the back of his neck. "You asked if you could."

"I didn't mean immediately, you buttnozzle..." Travis takes another step back, looking him up and down. Whatever he sees seems to satisfy him, because he sighs and nods. "Okay. Sorry for being weird. You're just being sweet."

"I like being sweet to you."

Travis laughs, smoothing his hair back bashfully. Sal keeps his eyes on Travis' face to the best of his ability. "Stop that. Go get ready to leave. We'll eat out tonight."

Sal hates eating out. "Sounds great, morning star."

Before he can turn away, Travis lunges forward and pulls him into a kiss. It's messy and hopeful and a little desperate - and Travis' hair brushes his cheeks, his chin, his throat, the entire time. By the time Travis pulls away, only so many moments later, Sal is panting.

"Okay," Travis whispers, something sad and unidentifiable in his voice. He swallows hard. "Okay, go get ready."

Sal nods. "Of course, baby."

By the time they reach Pavani's, Travis is back to normal again, smiling and snarking and even bravely holding Sal's hand over the table. He looks so happy - it makes Sal wonder if he imagined the sad look that had gleamed in his eyes earlier. If it rears its head again, he'll ask, but for now…

Travis steals a bite of his food, smirking and meeting his eyes challengingly. His hair is pulled back lazily, a tiny wolf-tail at his neck.

For now, everything is okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gasp* travis notices something amiss!! could it be trouble in paradise? 🤔
> 
> ajdnsjk thank you for reading!! 💖 i feel like this part jumps ahead strangely, so im considering adding a part before this as well... lmk what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: can i write fluff pls  
> muse: fluff machine broke  
> me: understandable have a nice day
> 
> remember when this was supposed to be suggestive hair kink fluff akdhskfjs yeah me too. i have no idea why this fic decided to pull me in this direction, but here's Sal Has Low Self-Esteem: The Musical, now streaming on ao3+! i'm not 100% happy with this chapter, but i'm content with most of it, so here it is
> 
> warnings in this chapter for some self-loathing and (past) self harm. also, i think eating disorders.
> 
> i hope you enjoy!!

It keeps happening.

They're watching a movie, curled up under a blanket in the living room in front of the TV. Neil and Todd are talking upstairs and Larry is playing music in his bedroom, so subtitles are on, but Sal couldn't hope to decipher them - with Travis this close, the long strands of his golden hair pulled into an unpracticed braid over his shoulder, the subtitles might as well be hieroglyphs.

Travis fiddles with the end of his braid. Sal wants to run his hands through it, lock his fingers in the uneven loops and  _ pull _ until the braid falls apart. Wants to-

"You're tense, angel," Travis' hand leaves the braid, gently touching Sal's chest instead. Even through Sal's shirt, his hand is warm. "You okay?"

Sal hums noncommittally. He doesn't trust his voice.

"...Okay. We can turn it off if you want."

Grabbing hold of Travis' hand in his own, Sal shakes his head 'no'. Even if he did want it off, he'd never say so, not while Travis had seemed so soaked into the film. He bends his neck to kiss the top of Travis' head - and tenses as he catches scent of his boyfriend's fancy new shampoo. He'd only just gotten used to the other one; now, he has to fight this uphill battle all over again.

Travis curls up against him, holding him so tightly it must hurt his arms every time Sal inhales.

"Okay," he says. "I love you."

Sal presses his mouth to Travis' temple, whispering against it, "I love you too."

-

They're working together on a song, Sal on his guitar and Travis over his pages, when Travis' stomach suddenly rumbles. 

Sometimes Travis will go up to three or four days without eating - he swears it's for no other reason than forgetfulness, but Sal has his doubts. Either way, he's taken it as his responsibility to make sure Travis eats, and apparently, he's failed in his duties today.

"Fuck off, tummy." Travis doesn't look up from his page, scribbling lyric ideas down faster than Sal can read. "I'm busy."

"I'll get you something," Sal says, without even realizing he's opened his mouth. This happens so often now, he almost can't keep up with himself, but at least now it's for something that makes sense.

Last week, Sal adopted a baby cat, all because Travis was saying he'd always wanted to raise a cat from kitten age. Confused and alarmed by the gift, Travis had taken Sal's temperature and even checked through his meds to make sure they were in order.

Once it was confirmed Sal wasn't going to keel over, though, Travis lovingly named his kitten E.T., kissing little E.T.'s soft ears even as he shot Sal odd looks. At least it ended well, even if Sal has no idea what he was thinking at the time.

Travis is looking up from his writing now, raising an eyebrow at his boyfriend. "You don't have to do that, Sal. We're going out with your parents later anyways, right?"

"And Larry."

"And Larry. We're not letting ol' Lare-Bear get out of it this time!" That last part is shouted for Larry's benefit.

In response, Larry politely turns up his stereo, the sounds of darkly shredded guitar vibrating through the wall. This is also for Larry's benefit.

Travis glares at the wall and scoffs. "I'm gonna pinch him so hard at dinner."

"He'll pinch back."

"He better." Travis turns on his back and cackles under his breath. When he's done, he sighs and meets Sal's eyes. "Really, though, I just wanna get this song done before we leave. I'm okay, baby."

His stomach growls again. Sal turns his head. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Let's just finish this song." He rolls his head back then, displaying his bare neck as his pretty curls pool like a halo around him. "Or you can take that mask off and we can take advantage of how loud that music is… Play now, work later?"

Sal swallows hard. "Um- But you're hungry."

"Yeah, I am pretty hungry." Travis meets Sal's eyes with his own, which are dark and sparkling and beautiful. "It's been a while since we've had the opportunity…"

Travis' stomach growls again.

"I'll go get you something."

"Wh- Sal!"

But Sal is already out of the room.

-

Time and time again, Sal finds himself jumping to do whatever he can to make his boyfriend happy. Or, that's what he tells himself. In reality, he does what he can to make up for what he lacks.

Travis is beautiful, incredible, strong, and talented. He's so funny and so headstrong. He's so passionate. He's so…  _ Travis _ .

And Sal is just- what he is. Broken and scarred and sad. Next to Travis, he's worthless. In his head, in his heart, he knows Travis deserves better. He deserves someone as amazing as he is. Someone Sal can never be.

Sal's torn between being that better thing in the few ways that he can and removing himself from Travis entirely. It's cruel to them both, but as he watches Travis grow and blossom into a more confident version of himself, finally coming into himself in a way he's been fighting to since high school, Sal finds his hands feeling unworthy of the other's skin.

He wants to touch Travis, hold him for the rest of his life if he'll let him, but as Travis has written extensively about, wanting and doing are two very different things.

Time and time again, Sal finds himself reminded of his shortcomings. He drowns in his guilt, but still, time goes forward.

-

_ Alright _ , Sal tells himself.  _ This time, just be cool. It's just hair. _

But it isn't just hair and he knows it - it's Travis' hair, and it's long and golden and so, so soft. It's also unruly and difficult for Travis to brush through, which is why he's recently relegated the task to his boyfriend. After so many nights and mornings with a tired arm, it seems Travis is tired of doing it on his own.

Travis waits patiently on the bed, dressed in soft pajama pants and one of Sal's T-shirts. Despite their differences in size, Travis loves wearing Sal's clothes. The shirt is a little big on Sal; on Travis, the Oden's Blood tee is a mostly comfortable fit, though it reveals the scars he usually prefers to keep hidden.

Before he kneels behind Travis, Sal walks around the bed to face his boyfriend. Travis looks up at him curiously, eyes warm. Looking up through his golden lashes like that, he looks ethereal.

"Angel?" he asks.

It takes effort to find the confidence to do it, but Sal leans forward to kiss him. Then, he kisses him again. "Can I hold your hands?"

Though he scoffs, there's no hiding the way Travis' ears grow darker - or the way he smiles. He tucks his hair behind his ear, averting his eyes. "Yeah, I guess." He holds his hands out for Sal to take. "Like you even have to ask. Goober."

"You're a goober." Travis' hands are almost the same size as his. Shorter, thinner fingers lock with his. "You look beautiful."

Now he laughs, unable to meet Sal's eyes. "I'm in my pajamas. And my ugly arms are showing."

With as much care as he can manage, Sal takes the risk and runs his fingers over the old, criss-crossing scars littering Travis' arms. They're pale and the stories they tell are sad, but Sal means it when he says, "I think your arms are beautiful."

"Whatever." But there's no ignoring the bright happiness on Travis' face. "Just- brush my hair already so we can lay down."

"Okay." Sal leaves a final kiss on the inside of Travis' wrist, unable to help himself. "Hand me the brush?"

Travis takes the wooden brush out of his lap and hands it over.

Settling comfortably behind his boyfriend, Sal starts at the bottom, working out the tangles carefully before moving higher. 

He's always found the rhythm of brushing hair comforting. He used to brush his mom's hair when she was still alive, and after her death, found he missed it (missed  _ her- _ ) until he grew out his own. When it was long enough, he would often brush it to calm down after a nightmare or a bad day.

Travis' hair is much the same. As he methodically works out the knots, he sinks into a feeling that's almost meditative. It's much better than last time, where he got so stupid-horny that his hands shook and he couldn't focus on his work. Not that Travis minded much, although the guilt that followed Sal after that was strange to cope with.

"You know," Travis says suddenly, breaking Sal out of his trance. "You've been quick to jump lately."

Sal blinks in surprise. He doesn't think he's been jumping into anything. Actually, he's been jumping into  _ less _ things lately, because Travis has asked him to be careful. "What do you mean?"

Travis shrugs. "Whenever I want you to do something, you do it. And you keep giving me rando compliments… Are you-" Sal hears him swallow. "Are you having an affair or something?"

"An affair?" Just the thought almost makes Sal laugh. "With who?"

Another scoff, this time mean and defensive. "I don't know,  _ Chug? _ "

"I don't think I'm Chug's type," he says dumbly.

"Well then, how about Ashley, the girl you've been into since highschool?"

"Ash is our friend. You're the one I've been into since highschool…" Sal throws the hairbrush towards the pillows and crawls his way around the bed to face him. Travis turns his face away, but Sal can see his eyes shining wet and red from the side. "Oh, Travis…"

"Just- I don't get it. Sorry for being stupid."

"You aren't stupid, morning star. I love you." Against his better judgement, he runs his hand through Travis' hair, using it to pull him forward for a kiss. It's so soft. Travis' lips are so soft, so wet against the awful lines of his own ruined mouth. "I'm not cheating, I promise. There's no one I could ever want more than you."

Travis pulls a face. "Then what's with your weird attitude lately? You've been all goofy, touching me way less than usual and doing all kinds of shit for me... You barely ask for anything in return. You won't  _ let me _ do anything in return. Hell, last week you brought me flowers. Fucking  _ flowers _ . And when I tried to get your pants off to thank you, you got all fucking weird about it."

His ears growing hot, Sal coughs. "Um. Don't laugh."

Travis gives him an ugly look. "No promises, Fisher. Sometimes your bullshit calls for a giggle. I can't control that."

Sal stares.

Travis huffs. "Fine. I'll be nice."

"...It's your hair. I really like it long."

Travis blinks at him. He doesn't reply.

"Really, that's it." Ignoring the anxiety creeping into his gut, Sal shrugs. It's not a lie, he tells himself, not really. "It's- I don't know, it's really attractive."

"I know you find it attractive," Travis deadpans. "The few times I've gotten you into bed with me, you pull on it."

That anxiety turns again, and is suddenly accompanied by something else. "Oh. Oops. I'm so sorry."

"I didn't say you should be sorry." When he turns his head, his hair slides over his shoulder in a blanket of curls, bright against the dark tee. He looks sad. "That's really it? You're just… acting stupid because you think I'm hot?"

"I  _ know _ you're hot, but yes."

That's enough to finally make Travis laugh, but it's a small, nervous sound. "You're such a fucking  _ dork _ . I thought you were cheating on me, you shithead."

Sal shakes his head. "Yeah, I deserve that. Don't act like you haven't done the same thing every time I dress nice, though."

"Yeah, well, stop being so cute in heels."

"Never! Last time I wore heels, you did the dishes and rubbed my feet."

"Weirdo. I hate when people touch my feet."

"I know you do." Despite that, Sal reaches out his leg to poke Travis' foot with his toe. "Boop."

"Hey!" Travis bends his knees, curling his feet beneath him. "Don't be a turd, you turd."

"I know you are but what am I?"

That sends Travis giggling, teasing Sal back until they're both laughing and Todd is knocking on their bedroom door.

"We can hear you all the way upstairs," he complains. "Either fornicate or go to sleep."

"Sorry, Todd!"

They wait until his footsteps fade before giggling again, fighting to keep quieter this time.

"I can't believe he said fornicate," Travis gasps. "What the fuck?"

"Todd's an interesting guy."

"He truly is. I'm more interested in my guy, though." Travis reaches out then, curling his fingers around Sal's wrist. His hand is so warm, but his fingertips are cold. "And whether my guy thinks Todd's idea is any good."

Sal swallows. "Um-"

"If it's really just that I'm attractive," he suddenly sounds unsure. "Then why aren't you attracted to me anymore? You keep flinching away, like my hands burn you or something. Does it- Does it burn you?"

"No!" Sal clenches his hands around the bed sheets. "It's just… You're so amazing. You're incredible, Travis, and I'm… not."

"Oh, fuck off."

"I mean it! You deserve better. I feel like I'm not even worthy of touching you anymore. I'm just this ugly, awful freak, and you're this great, beautiful-" A pillow cuts him off, thrown harshly into his face.

"You're an asshole," Travis spits, voice breaking. His tone is watery, and when he turns around to slam the bedroom door, he's crying.

Suddenly and totally alone in their room, Sal sighs. His chest aches with guilt. Fear, too - of losing Travis. Of hurting Travis. That ship, it seems, has already sailed.

He walks over to the dresser to take his meds while Travis cools down, already thinking of what to say to fix things, when he catches sight of the bastard in the mirror. His sad face looks back at him, reflected from Travis' side of their shared space.

The little mirror hangs from the wall above their dresser, surrounded by pictures of he and Travis together, of the two of them with Larry and the folks, of Travis with Neil and Chug and Maple… Travis' favorite picture, a polaroid Sal took of he and Ash at the lake, is framed on Sal's side.

The surface of the dresser is a mess of their things, with Travis' jewelry mixed with his, socks they haven't found a match to matched together instead, and Sal's pill bottles cradled almost lovingly between Travis' bible and his journal. The evidence of their love is all around him, but for some reason, he can't make it speak the language it used to. Or maybe he's the one that stopped speaking the language. Travis seems to think so.

"You fucked up, Fisher," Sal tells his reflection. "Now it's your responsibility to fix it."

Travis deserves that much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, sal. you poor, depressed idiot. go cuddle e.t. and eat an apple sauce until your bf is well enough to talk to you.
> 
> hopefully the emotions here make sense? if not, they will in the next chapter. relationships are weird when you've got brainsick, which is what i'm trying to show is happening here. hopefully it's realistic!
> 
> sorry for the semi-cliffhanger. hopefully part 4 will be ready soon! 💖


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [looks at part 1] [looks at part 4] how the heck did we get from there to here ?? andjskkds i almost feel like im writing a completely different fic now, but i think i kind of like it too. while i didnt know the fic would end up here, i think im pretty proud of it!
> 
> here's the final part!! 🎉 it always feels good to finish a piece, so i hope it's satisfying for you all too :3
> 
> warnings for ptsd/trauma and past abuse/neglect. also larry has depression and suicide is VERY briefly implied, but he's okay don't worry
> 
> ENJOY! 💖

Sal and Travis have never had an _argument_ , per se. Not the way couples on T.V. have them, at least.

When it comes to most disputes or disagreements, they'll talk as calmly and patiently as they can muster until they can find some manner of compromise, then hug out any bad feelings that managed to sneak up during the conversation. It makes Sal proud that they can communicate in such a healthy, productive way. After what he's now willing to admit was a somewhat neglectful childhood, it feels _good_ to talk things out and have his feelings heard.

Still, it doesn't always end in smiles right away.

Sal can still remember the horrible sounds of terror that had come from Travis that first time he dropped something in the kitchen. It had been Sal's favorite mug, a lumpy thing Maple had made him back during their high school years at a pottery class she took with her mom, and it had been completely irreparable. Just shards of jagged ceramic and fond memories.

Sal hadn't been all that upset about it, but Travis…

Travis had been a mess for days.

He'd sobbed and begged for forgiveness, shaking like a leaf until Neil had run down at the commotion. Sal's consolations had gone completely ignored, his touches cringed away from, but Neil had easily wrapped his arms around Travis and steered him away to somewhere safe.

While Travis was being swaddled and cuddled upstairs, Sal had cleaned up the broken mug. After that, Travis' fear did what it always had done in his youth: turned into misdirected anger.

He was furious at Sal for reasons neither of them could likely define. He watched Sal out of the corner of his eye, face gaunt and serious, as if waiting for Sal to attack. And Sal-

He can't pretend he reacted well. Maybe it's hereditary, given it's also his father's favorite way to "cope", but he shut down. Having no idea what to do or how to fix things, he just… turned off. He went through the motions, trying his best to keep out of Travis' way. It had hurt - until it didn't, suddenly, leaving behind only a strange numbness that Sal still doesn't like to think about.

Days of sleeping on the couch and hearing Travis cry alone in their bedroom, days of avoiding talking about his feelings with anyone, days of wondering _will it always be my fault?_ , and finally, things righted themselves.

Oh, the way Travis had cried. It had been such a healthy cry, deep and honest and directionless. Travis came to him in the night and just held on to him, weeping in relief and in regret and in love. It had thawed whatever strange thing had frozen inside of Sal. He wept too.

That was when they first moved in two years ago. They're both healthier people now, but…

Sal sighs, running a hand through his hair. They're still two wounded people. This time, Sal's wounds are the ones causing the rift between them.

He feels so awful. Travis doesn't deserve this. Travis deserves every star in the sky and then some.

According to the digital clock by the bed, it's been a good half hour since Travis stormed out. He wishes he'd gone after him as soon as he'd left, but he knows how much Travis hates that. Travis hates feeling smothered or followed - he needs time to breathe when his emotions get big. After a good thirty minutes, his man should be calm enough to talk.

Sal hopes.

He leaves the safety of their bedroom in search of Travis. Larry's bedroom door is open, so he peers inside, but no Travis - or Larry. Just E.T. snoring amidst Larry's blankets. Todd and Neil's room has the lights off, so the two are probably sleeping as well, and there's no one in the kitchen. No one except the crying Travis in Sal's memories, looking down in horror at what he feared was his last mistake.

He closes his eyes and the ghost flickers away, but the sounds are harder to shake. Still, he pushes forward in search of his partner.

The basement is Gizmo's space, mostly, but Travis has always loved the big old cat. If he's down there petting Gizmo, Sal won't be surprised. He could go for some kitty cuddles himself right about now.

When he walks towards the basement, however, he notices that the bathroom door is slightly ajar. The light is on, shining through the bottom, but the door is open so slightly that he has to push it just to see tile.

He peers in, blinking at what he finds.

Razor in his hand, Travis is standing over Larry, who's sitting on the closed toilet. His golden hair is pulled into a lazy, haphazard bun instead of the braid that should be there, and his hands are covered in shaving cream.

"Hey, Sal," Larry murmurs.

"Don't move," Travis says. His usual snappy demeanor is lost to him at the moment, it seems. 

He looks... tired. Sal's heart aches, suddenly wanting nothing more than to hug Travis to him. His eyes are still red and swollen from crying and his mouth is a down-turned line.

Larry looks sheepish. "Sorry, man."

"I just don't want to cut you."

Larry is quiet after that, closing his eyes as Travis does his work. Travis is good with that razor, Sal knows for a fact. His hands shake too much when he goes to shave his own delicate face, not at all poised enough to avoid snagging his scars, so Travis has been doing it for him for years. It seems to make Travis happy to help him with such a mundane, daily task, even if it is just removing uneven patches of prickly hairs, and Sal has never been one to deny Travis his little happinesses.

Until recently, it would seem.

Soon enough, the job is finished and Larry stands. When he comes up from washing his face, Larry looks awkwardly between Sal and Travis, his face newly clean and newly nervous. The tension in the room is palpable. The collar of Larry's shirt is wet.

"Uhh," he says.

"Do you still need company, Larry?" Travis asks quietly. He avoids Sal's eyes.

Larry shrugs. "I'm okay. I think I'm just gonna conk out if that's cool."

His bun bobs when he nods his head, yellow strands drifting out of the tie and around his shoulders. "Yeah, get some rest. We'll do breakfast or something tomorrow."

"Sounds cool, man. G'night, Sally Face." He gently pats Sal's shoulder as he passes, calling behind him, "Love you guys!"

Sal and Travis share their goodnights with him, still avoiding eye contact. It's awful, but Sal's guilt weighs heavy in the air, hanging between them and choking him when he goes to breathe. Now that he's here next to Travis, he feels truly deplorable. Monstrous.

 _I love you_ , he wants to say. _You're the best thing that's ever happened to me_.

The words don't quite reach his tongue. Instead he asks, "Can we talk?"

Travis takes a deep, stuttering breath, but nods, face severe. "Of course. We should talk." He gestures for Sal to leave the bathroom, following as Sal exits. "I feel a lot calmer after helping Larry. He needed some company, so I suggested cleaning up his face."

"Sometimes even small things can make you feel like a whole new man." It comes out awkward and stilted, much to Sal's shame.

"Exactly. Hopefully shaving will seen less daunting the next time he has to do it, too. Depression's really kicking him in the ass this week."

"I noticed…"

"We'll keep an eye on him. I told him to come wake us up if he starts having scary ideas." Travis sits primly on the bed, talking almost absently now. He looks awkward, Sal realizes, like a child outside the principal's office who doesn't know if they're going to be punished or not. "I hope that's okay."

"Of course it's okay. I love Larry." _I love you_.

"Me too." He breathes deeply again, coughing when his nose clogs. "A-Anyways, _(cough)_ \- you wanted to talk?"

"Yeah." Sal takes his own deep breath, sitting beside Travis on their bed. "I'm so sorry, Travis. I didn't mean- I don't want to hurt you. Ever. I think you're gorgeous, you're the most handsome guy ever, and I didn't mean to make you feel that I believed otherwise."

Much to Sal's horror, Travis' lip begins to wobble dangerously again. Sal hates being the thing that makes him cry. He hated it when they were in high school, he hated it that day in the kitchen, he hated it those nights on the couch when the world went suddenly grey, and he hates it now.

"Goddamn you." Travis buries his face into his balled fists, inhaling wetly through his nose. "You don't even know why I'm hurt."

Swallowing hard, Sal averts his eyes. "You- You think I don't want you, but that's not-"

"No, douchebag. You think _I_ don't want _you_ . That, or you think I'm dumb enough to fuck someone who doesn't deserve me even after the horrible shit I've lived through." He points a finger at Sal, face teary and warped with anger. "I'm _never_ letting myself be used by someone who doesn't deserve me. Ever. So don't belittle me by saying you're not good enough for me."

Travis turns away again, rubbing at his face a little too roughly. He pulls his knees to his chest. It makes him look small.

"Oh," breathes Sal.

Travis sniffles. "Just stop being an asshole to my guy, okay? I love him. I have every fucking right to."

Carefully, Sal scoots towards him, moving further on to the bed and curling his arms around Travis from behind. "I'm sorry."

"Stop it. Stop saying sorry!" The look Travis shoots him as he pulls away is more sad than angry this time. "No one should be sorry here. Remember that thing you used to tell me, when I first ran away at seventeen? That first night in your old apartment when I just kept saying how sorry I was for burdening you?"

"'Don't say sorry when you can say thank you'."

"Exactly. Stop mourning the fact that I love you. It's fucking rude." 

Before Sal can say anything to that, Travis hand is suddenly coming towards him, whipped away from his face and down onto Sal's own closed fist. Sal jumps, but doesn't pull away.

"Now say you love me." Travis' voice shakes, but his eyes bore into Sal unwaveringly. 

"I love you," says Sal. "God, how I love you."

"Now say 'thank you for loving me'. Say it!"

"Thank you for loving me. I know it's hard sometimes, when I pull away like that and shell up inside myself. I guess I'm so used to it, being stuck behind my own face. I should know better than to think you'll ever want to be stuck on the other side."

His eyes grow wetter as Sal watches. When he breathes in to speak, the air catches and jumps, jolting his body with it. "Thank you for loving me too." A sob breaks through, but he breathes deeply and meets Sal's gaze even more firmly. "I know I can be childish when it comes to stuff like this, or when stuff gets hard. If I act like a beaten dog, it's because that's what I'm used to being. I never had anybody give a shit about my pain until you and I still don't always know what to do with it or where to put it. So, sometimes I put it into you or I just hide it entirely and that just isn't fair."

Sal wipes the fresh tears away from Travis' face.

"Thank you." Travis turns and kisses his palm. "You aren't an asshole. I'm sorry I called you that. I was just really scared. You were pulling away and I felt… abandoned, even though you were right there. It reminded me of that time I broke your mug. Thank you for forgiving me for breaking your mug."

"Are you trying to apologize for breaking it again?" Sal laughs and it comes out wetter than he realizes. "It was just a mug. I love you way more than a mug."

Travis' lip wobbles. "Stupid fucking mug! Ugh. That was so scary and it was like… Like you just weren't _around_ after that. I reacted so badly to breaking it and I thought I ruined everything. I thought maybe I did something again without realizing it or there was someone better that you met or- or something."

"I'll never leave you. You can even thank me for it, because it's a done deal."

There's no sound more beautiful than Travis' laughter. "Thank you for never leaving me. I love you. I think you're the coolest. I mean, gah! You're amazing! You're smart and super nice and really sexy…"

Now, Sal laughs, raising his eyebrow in disbelief. "Sexy? I don't know…"

"You're supposed to say _'thank you, so are you'_."

"That's different, you actually are sexy."

"What did I just say about bullying my man! I'll kick your ass for that, punk!"

A fit of giggles rises up, forcing Sal to bite his tongue to keep them from escaping. "Okay, okay. He's not my type, but if you say he's a looker, then I'll take your word."

"Good." Travis stands, but only so he can sit back down in Sal's lap. He's so much taller that when he does it, Sal has to turn his head all the way back just to look at him. "I'm sorry I ever made you feel unworthy of me. There's nothing on this earth you could ever do to make me love you less. Even if you could, my love for you is… is… as big as space! It goes on forever. You could open up a million black holes and space would never get any smaller."

Sal buries his face in Travis' chest, shouting into his shirt, "I love you so fucking much!" 

Travis laughs, curling his fingers into Sal's hair. "I love _you_ , dummy. Next time you start feeling bad, just tell me, okay? I love that I can tell you stuff. And I love it when you tell _me_ stuff!"

"I love that too…" Sal sighs. "I guess I just- I don't know, really. You're so beautiful and amazing and you always do such sweet things for me. It feels… I don't know. I look like a monster from a shitty horror movie and I steal things without asking and I don't always know how to fix things that are broken. Usually I'm the one that breaks them."

Travis sits with that for a little while, silently carding his fingers through Sal's hair. The feeling of his short nails against Sal's scalp is blissful; it's exactly what he needed after everything that's been going through his head lately. Travis really is perfect.

"I'm mean," he says suddenly. Sal pulls away in surprise. "I've been mean a long time. I've tried to redirect it and just be fucking _nice_ , but I still snap at everybody and I still have no idea how to stop. I push everybody's boundaries and then my heart hurts because I hate hurting you all and I'm so scared you'll hate me or hit me…"

"We know you don't mean it, baby."

"And I'm glad… But that doesn't change how I treat you all. I try to keep it playful and funny, but-" He sighs. "I don't know. I'm not perfect. I'm like a wounded animal that bites every hand that reaches out to me. I know I've gotten better, but the sad fact is some of my scars will never heal. I'm impatient and I'm paranoid and I hate when people do nice things for me because it terrifies me. And-" He bites his lip, looking away.

"What is it? I hear you. I'm here."

"...I still feel guilty, sometimes. When we make love." He says it so quietly, but not quite with shame. "But then I look for you, look at your mouth that kissed me and at your hands that touched me and think _I have nothing to feel guilty for_ . I feel so beautiful with you, like all the parts of me I thought were bad are okay. Like I'm worthy of me and I'm somehow miraculously worthy of you. So, thank you. I love you and being with you makes me so happy. You're a fucking _catch_ , Sal Fisher, the best catch out there and somehow, someway, you're mine. Don't ever think otherwise."

For a long time, Sal doesn't say anything. He's too busy holding on to his Travis and trying not to cry.

"I love you," he finally whispers. "I'm sorry for being so fucking weird." Then he huffs, amused. "Thank you for tolerating my weirdness."

Travis snorts. "I love your weirdness. Well, usually. Cut that other shit out, okay?"

He pushes Sal until they flop backwards onto the bed. When he starfishes atop the sheets, head somewhere above Sal's hair must get into his mouth, because he makes spitting noises and jostles them both by shaking his head.

"Ugh, stupid hair… That's what caused this mess to begin with too. Should I just cut it?"

"NO!" Sal turns them over in a tackle, straddling his boyfriend like a wrestler, then freezes at Travis' dinner-plate-wide eyes staring up at him. "Um, I mean. It's your hair, you choose."

Travis bursts into laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the ending is a little sudden, but i kind of like it that way... hopefully you do too! :3 💖 dont be afraid to let me know your thoughts
> 
> AND THANK YOU FOR READING!!!! 🎉


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